Running for the Cure: My First 5km!

On October 2 of this year I completed my first 5km race! I originally registered for this race after seeing advertisements for it on tv. The advertisements made it look like a fun and rewarding experience! Not only that, but earlier this past summer my best friend Glenna's mom (Helen) passed away after a 14-year battle with breast cancer. I wanted to do something in her honour and in her family's honour. Another family should never have to go through what they went through during their mother's illness and passing.

I tried to put together a team for this female-bonding event but unfortunately none of my friends were available that weekend, so I decided to make it a personal goal. I had already began my running program so I knew if I registered for a race I'd have something to keep me motivated and something to work toward. I set to work spreading the word that I would be participating in the event and collecting pledges and donations from some very generous friends and family (thanks again to all who donated!) As the weeks past, I kept running, collecting money, and getting more and more excited!

When the weekend finally came, I was SO excited! Brad, the kids and I headed to Sudbury and stayed at his Mom and Claude's. We went to the mall that Saturday where I picked up my race t-shirt and number to pin on my shirt. The lady looked at me and said "I will get you the smallest one we have because you're tiny". Tiny! I don't think I have ever been described as "tiny" in my whole life!!! Next, I went to Sport Chek and leaving behind my usual tight-budgeted frame of my mind, I purchased a GORGEOUS fuschia Nike warm-fit running shirt. (Surprisingly, they actually had something really nice in PINK which of course, is the symbolic colour of breast cancer). That evening, we went out for a delicious pasta dinner at East Side marios (yes, running encourages pasta eating!) In the morning, I had a bagel with peanut butter (bagel for the carbs and PB for protein!) More delicious eating!

When we arrived at Camrbian College (start & finish line of the race) it was cold. We arrived early because I wasn't sure what was going to be going on, but now I know not to go so early next time. The only motivating/interesting thing about roaming the halls of the warm college was reading all the different reasons people were running. We all had an "I'm Running for..." paper pinned to our shirts. IT was touching and frankly, somewhat sad, to see all the names of those who have had brast cancer touch their lives.

The real excitement began a few minutes before 10 a.m. when me and 1,399 other runners gathered at the start line, along with hundreds of encouraging supporters and spectators. I can not even describe how exciting and motivating the countdown to the start of the race was! All around me where people of all ages, backgrounds, and abilities. There were a lot of dogs, kids, and even men. But EVERYONE was dressed in pink and EVERYONE'S spirits were so high! It was such a motivating feeling! Besides that, there were actual REAL runners warming up and pumping themselves up around me.... I was particpating in a REAL running event!

FInally we were off! At the beginning of the race, I felt like I was passing everyone... it turns out that is because a lot of people were walking the route! Eventually, though, the pack spread out. Still, after hours and hours of training and running alone, it was pretty neat to always be running in a pack! Along the way, I saw runners of all abilities.... from beginners like me, to the most serious of runners (who I tried to keep up with but miserably failed! lol) I set a good pace though and chose one or two people to keep up with... that definitley helped!

Along the route they had 1km, 2km, 3km etc markers. What an exuberant feeling as we passed each one... especially the 4th! Finally as we neared the end of the race the crowd of spectators thickened. Knowing all these people were watching and cheering for us, was extremely motivating! As I saw the finish line, I really began pushing it hard. I was going to finish this and I was going to finish this RIGHT! It also helped that just before the finish line, I could see Mariah, Brad, Brandon, and Claude watching and cheering me on! I whizzed past them and dashed across the finish line! WOW!!! What a feeling!!! The adrenaline was pumping and an overwhelming feeling of self-pride took over me! I was so pumped I wanted to just keep running! Brad and the others were quick to find me and give me congratulatory hugs. I know I must have been beaming! On top of that, I finished the race in 30 minutes and 50 seconds - what I'm told is an incredible time for a first race!

After the race, we enjoyed treats provided by the race's sponsors (yes, more bagels -I love running simply for the reason that they encourage you to eat bagels!) We also stuck around for the awards ceremony -- can you believe that one teenaged boy actually completed the race in 17 minutes? Wow, talk about an inspiration! The most important thing though was that the Sudbury location raised about $700,000 towards breast cancer research ($450 raised by yours truly!) Amazing! One step closer to finding a cure :-)

All in all, this race was one of the most proudest moments of my life. I wanted to talk about it all day, tell everyone all about it, and show everyone the pictures to prove that I actually did it! I can not believe how far my fitness level has come. More than that, I am SO addicted to running races.... when and where will my next one be?!

A Long Overdue Update!

Wow, I have been meaning and meaning and meaning to get back here to continue my story but life just seems too past by too quickly sometimes (plus there were of good television shows on!) I couldn't even remember when I last wrote so I just read my most recent post and was absolutely floored to read about my anxiety over running for three minutes!

I am ecstatic to report that I have progessed by miles (no pun intended) since the last time I posted. Some of the highlights include: completing the 13-week Run/Walk program, teaching myself how to run 5km, and of course completing my first, official 5km run! (blog post all about that forthcoming!)

Those, of course, are just the highlights. Along the way, I pushed myself, told myself I couldn't do it, told myself I could do it, walked a bit, sweated a lot and overall, became addicted to running!

I have never found a more simple form of exercise with such great results! Now, when I say easy I don't necessarily mean the running itself is easy. What's easy about it is that I can pretty much go whenever I want, it takes only 30mins-to an hour to complete depending on how long my run is, I don't have to convince myself to get to the gym to even start my workout (i simply walk out the door), and I don't need a lot of equipment.

Now, on the topic of equipment. Albeit, you don't need much to run. Essentially a good pair of shoes is all you need. But as weather changes (and as shopping malls call my name and beckon me to shop) I found I needed to acquire some running "gear". I have never been so excited to spend my hard-earned cash on fitness-related item! However, I have to admit that my long-sleeved Nike dri-fit shirt and Nike running jacket are two of my most prized possessions! (I've officially become a running geek!)

In addtion to that, I am the even prouder owner of the sweetest Nike Free Run shoes that come with an adapter that automatically sends my run information to my brand-spanking-new iPod Nano. These aforementionned items were all lovingly given to me by the BEST boyfriend ever as early gifts for my thirtieth birthday! (and yes, he even thought to get shoes with a PINK Nike swoosh!) Now, a tiny adapter which lies in the sole of my Nike shoe can send my distance, time, pace, etc. to my iPod which can then send all this information to the Nike website where I can track my progress, set goals, and many other fun, and rewarding things! No more guessing at how far I've run -- technology really is great!

Currently, I have been running for about 3 months. I went from barely being able to run for 2 minutes, to now running for up to an hour at a time! My long runs currently average about 7km and short ones 4km. I even registered to do another race -- a 10km in Ottawa in May! (another post to be dedicated to that topic at a later date!)

I can not say how proud of myself I am for accomplishing this level of fitness. In my opinion, runners are some of the most hardcore of all athletes and now I can officially call myself a runner. The results (the appearance of actual abdominal muscles and the ability to eat junk food without gaining any weight -- just to name a few) have definitley instilled in me a LOVE FOR RUNNING. I am hooked. I am addicted. I continue to run! :-)

I DID IT!

Wow.... today's run/walk was SO hard that it gets it's own post altogether! To begin with, I was very worried about today's run (Run 3 minutes, Walk 2 minutes x 10) for the simple fact that there would be more running than rest! I will admit that I experienced a lot of negative self talk before the run and was very much doubting my ability to do it. In order to motivate myself, I uploaded about 80 new songs to my MP3 player last night. As I was about to head out the door this morning (when the temperature was still around a moderate 22 degrees), my MP3 player decided to go on the fritz! This was extremely frustrating as I was having a "moment" where I felt motivated to tackle the run. Plus, it was already 10 AM and I knew it was only going to get hotter outside, meaning a much more difficult run! Aggravated by my broken MP3 player, I rushed out to get a new one (nothing fancy -- just a cheapie but it works!) I finally got to head out for my run around 1 PM - by this time the humidity was somewhere in the 30s. That being said, it was cloudy and there was a slight breeze so I thought I'd be okay. Boy, was I wrong!! The first couple intervals weren't bad but from about interval four on, it was crazy hard. I found myself looking at my watch when only a minute had gone by, and I was doing 3-minute runs! My face was burning hot, I was drenched in sweat, and I desperately needed some water (note to self: next time you run in such humid weather, bring your water!) My route today was to Gillies, around one time, and back. By interval 6 I did not think I was going to make it but I kept reminding myself how disappointed I would feel if I didn't meet my goal. At each interval, I tried to focus on positive self-talk although there were a lot of "I can't do this" moments!!! By interval 7 I knew I was nearing the end which just made me want to keep going. By interval 9 and 10 I thought me legs were going to fall off!!! My run was probably the slooooowest run anyone has ever seen but that's trivial compared to the fact that.....

I DID IT!!!!

No cheating, no rests, no breaks, I did it! Yes, it was one of the hardest things physically I have EVER done but I proved to myself that with determination and motivation I can stick to it and accomplish little goals. If my body can perform like this, imagine what else it can do! I think way too many of us underestimate the amazing feats our bodies can do for us! I know I am going to keep challenging mine :-) However, I must say....

THANK GOD TOMORROW IS A REST DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

My Running Journal

Run 1 minute, Walk 2 minutes x 12. (36 minutes)

I am motivated and anxious to start the program! The run went well, not having much difficulty running for 1 minute segments. Weather was nice, I ran all around the neighbourhood. Some words in the Handbook that really stuck with me were about using weather as an excuse. "it's too hot", "it's raining", "it's too cold" etc.... the book said DRESS FOR THE WEATHER AND GET OUT THERE! This has really stuck with me, I am going to DO IT!



DAY 2
Run 1 minute, Walk 2 minutes x 9 (27 minutes)

Although today's run was shorter it was a lot harder because of the humidity. I also chose a route with a few small hills, which added an additional challenge. I found the first 2-3 intervals the hardest and it got easier after that. Tried to focus hard on my breathing especially during running segments. I was drenched in sweat by the time I got home but very proud of myself for completing Day 2!


DAY 3
Run 1 Minute, Walk 2 minutes x 11 (33 minutes)


I was frustrated today because Brad had to unexpectedly work longer than planned, leaving me to watch the kids and I was worried I wouldn't have time to do my run before I had to go to work at 5:30 PM. I was really determined to get my run in before work because I knew I wouldn't feel like going after work. It wasn't as hot today, in fact it was cloudy and looked like it might rain. I was anxious because I wasn't sure how I was going to go for a half-an-hour run when I had to watch the kids, but I was determined to figure something out. I couldn't get a babysitter so I thought of a plan! I did my run around Gillies Lake (2.3 km once around, I went around twice!) while the kids played at the playground beside the lake. They had a blast playing AND I got my run in so it worked out to be really great! As a reward to the kids for their good behaviour while I was running, I took them to McDonald's for lunch. After running, I certainly was NOT tempted by McDonald's so ate chicken and rice when I got home! Overall, run was good... feeling pretty easy but a little anxious about next week when run segments increase.....


DAY 4
Run 2 minutes, Walk 2 minutes x 11 (44 minutes)

I really wanted to stick to my run-every-second-day routine but I was worried that after attending last night's wedding, staying up late, and then working ALL day today that I would be tempted to skip my run. But I PLANNED it in, and I stuck to it! Yay! I went running from 7-8 PM tonight and it was absolutely gorgeous outside! It was a sunny, warm-with-a-cool breeze summer evening. My route tonight was run to Gillies, one lap around, and back home. The sun setting over Gillies was absolutely gorgeous! I had been feelign a little worried about this run and that I wouldn't be able to complete it because the running segments increased in time, but I DID IT! The first 3 intervals were pretty tough, the next 6-7 were good, and the last 2 were kinda tough - ow, sore legs! I just kept reminding myself to take my time and focus on my breathing. I also tried to get relax and get into a "zone" when I was running where I wasn't thinking about it too much. Also, running around a lot of people (who were out walking etc around Gillies) was motivating! I felt like they were looking at me with envy wishing they cuold be a "runner" too (just how I USED to feel!) OVerall, I am very proud of myself! Next run.... Tuesday!

DAY 5
Run 1 Minute, Walk 2 minutes x 10 (30 minutes)

Today was an easier run, since the running interval was back down to 1 minute. I ran 2 laps around Gillies Lake (approx. 5 km). I saw my friend Melissa along the way which is motivating because she is an avid runner and has given me lots of tips and advice lately! Run felt good, although I am still SLOOOOOW.

DAY 6
Run 2 minutes, Walk 2 minutes x 10 (40 minutes)

I was worried about today because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to complete the run portions. I'm not sure why I felt this way since I managed to complete it on Day 4! Today's run started off really good. I had a lot of energy and was able to pace myself way. A couple of run intervals ended up being on big hills, wow what a workout! But even that didn't slow me down :-) Realized that 90s punk music like NOFX, Blink 182, Offspring, Green Day etc, is great running music! Going to refresh the i-Pod this afternoon! Also went and bought an arm strap so I have a place to "carry" my i-Pod when I run! Week 2 is complete! I feel so great, motivation is still high! One thing I noticed is that after my runs my lower back is quite sore. Still a little tightness in the left hamstring too. Gotta keep up the stretching! Run 7 tomorrow.....

The 13 Week Run Program

In my last post, I wrote about how being active has become a regular occurance in my life. That being said, I am constantly trying to find new ways to be active in order to keep myself motivated, interested, and most of all - challenged. Last year I joined soccer to improve my running and because I love team sports (I am playing again this year and learning a lot more about how to play the game). But my most recent challenge to myself, is to become a runner.

I have always admired runners. I consider them to be athletic, fit, toned, and very healthy. Running has always been a huge challenge to me, I can barely run down the street without huffing and puffing, so hearing that people run 5km, 10km, or half or full marathons, completely amazes and impresses me!

I have tried running in the past but never followed through with it. But recently I decided it was time to try again. My body is the healthiest and fittest and in the best shape it's ever been in, so it's time to give it the ultimate challenge - I AM GOING TO BECOME A RUNNER!

I look to some of my close friends as symbols of inspiration. Some names that come to mind are Helaina, Melissa, Natalie, Kristina, Catherine and Erin :-) All of these lovely ladies are regular runners -- some have even run complete marathons!!! Amazing!!! I think of these ladies when I am running and talk to them for encouragement and advice :-)

So I have decided to add to my blog with posts about my runs. The Beginning Runner's Handbook (which is the program I am following) says that "journalling" can be very helpful and rewarding when learning to run, so I have decided to use this venue for my journalling.... Enjoy!

I discovered the SECRET!

It has been far too long since I have written. At first, I had a lot to say. Once most of it was out, I lost my momentum. But I'm back and still want to thank those of you who have been bugging me to keep writing for the motivation and encouragement!

I just got back from my Weight Watchers meeting and can proudly say I have been hovering around the 132 lb mark! This is a feat I thought I'd NEVER accomplish, in fact, you may remember that my original weight loss goal was 140 lbs, so I have by now surpassed it by quite a bit. I was not trying with great effort to reach 132 hwoever I attribute it to continuing to follow the WW program (although not as religiously, I cheat A LOT more now, but not so much that I am going to gain all my weight back!) and to working out. Exercise and being active has become one of the most important parts of my life. I make time for it EVERY day, unless it's a rest day which I grant myself once or twice a week (or more if I'm on holidays, although even then I try to do low-key exercise like walks, etc.) Being active has become as important as my career, my friends, and even my family. It's just what I do, whereas before it was something I HAD to do. For those of you who are interested in what I do to work, here's an idea of the different types of exercise I do:

1. Jillian Michaels workout videos - I normally hate workout videos, but these are intense and are a killer workout and they aren't too cheesy! I do either the 30 Day Shred (20-min segments) if I'm in the mood for something short; Blast Fat/Boost Metaolism if I need a longer, more stenuous workout, and her Yoga DvD just to round things out now and then.

2. Classes at the gym - I rarely workout on my own at the gym, instead I take classes. Some of the classes I do include P90X (a series of interval training, Boot Camp, kickboxing, and step aerobics.

3. Soccer and Baseball - Soccer is far more strenuous and a lot better workout seeing as you are constantly running! Baseball is fun and I consider it a "Bonus" exercise (more about that later).

4. Strength Training - both my workout videos and classes at the gym incorporate weights and moves using your body's own weight!

As you can see, I am quite active! Being active makes me feel so good about my body and my overall health. It helps keep me fit and toned and makes me love what I see when I look in the mirror! Plus it can really take away the guilt if I do happen to over-indulge or "cheat" on my diet!

I was asked at my WW meeting today whether or not I exercised when I was losing my weight and it was funny because I realized that I actually work out MORE now that my weight is off, then I did when I was losing. The reason being is that when I was losing the weight, I hadn't worked out for as long and I was still heavier so I couldn't do as much. The more I worked out, and the more weight I lost, the more I found I could do (totally makes sense!) Now that the weight is off, my endurance, flexibility, and strength have all improved. Not only that but because I work out SO much, I can actually "Cheat" more and not see any weight gain at all! (Keep in mind, that I still only cheat sometimes). So essentially I rarely feel deprived, I eat bad food often enough that I don't "miss" bad foods, I actually DESIRE healthy foods to enhance what I'm doing when I work out, AND I don't gain any weight (in fact, I have lost a bit more without even really trying!) I truly feel like I have discovered THE SECRET! You know? Everyone asks "What's your secret?" They want the "magic cure" for rapid weight loss! Well for me, the SECRET is to be active, active, active. Make time for yourself, make time for others, but also make time for EXERCISE. It has totally changed my life and I could not ask for anything more!

The New "FAB!" Me

Something I noticed recently from comments people have been giving me, is that my weight loss has made a huge impact on the overall happiness of my life. I know weight isn't supposed to play such an important role in your overall self perception, but accomplishing such a feat as losing nearly 60lbs. can definitley do wonders for one's self-esteem! While I have obviously noticed my confidence increase as my weight dropped, I have never felt more confident in myself than I do now. I finally feel like that "thin, healthy, toned, fit, sexy" girl that I had always admired in others. I am proud of my body, not just the way it looks but how hard it works for me and the things that it can do. Most recently, I have noticed how much my running has improved in soccer! It takes a lot more for me to become winded now, and I can actually keep up with some of the others! But the thing I noticed most was what others are noticing in me. So many people have commented on how confident, happy, and energetic I seem. People ask me where I get my motivation and my energy? They are commenting on pictures saying how amazing I look and how I always seem so happy. Well, that's because I am happy! I have always loved who I was on the inside and I beleive I have always been one to have a fair amount of confidence (even in my heavier days). But now, I am definitley full of confidence! Yes, I love my appearance but I also seem to love my job, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, my whole life a little more! Others are noticing how happy I am and the overall change my weight loss has given me. So, yes, while it's absolutely important not to let your weight and your body image dictate every aspect of your life, being fit and healthy changes your life in so many ways, and definitley all for the better :-)

Don't Fool Yourself: Learning how to Eat Right

In an earlier post, I talked about why I liked Weight Watchers -- because you don't have to "cut" any foods, you can just learn to eat healthier options. That being said, it can be very easy to fool yourself into thinking you are eating healthy. These days, we are inundated with "low-cal", "fat-free", and "light" products in the grocery aisles. But many people make the same mistake that I did. That is, we think that just because something is low-cal or low-fat must mean it is good for us!


This, of course, is so not true and for many reasons. One thing I discovered just recently (yes, some may call me naive) is that a lot of low-cal foods(like rice cakes, microwave popcorn, and canned soups) have a ton of sodium in them! Sodium, obviously, is not only unhealthy for us but it makes you retain water which greatly can affect the number on the scale! I now try to eat these snacks in moderation. That being said, I am well aware that a bowl of popcorn or mini rice cakes is far more healthy than a big bay of Lays chips which is what I used to eat. At first, when I started my weight loss, I ate things like rice cakes, baked chips, adn 100-cal snacks all the time. Now, I try to see these things as treats - meaning only 2-3times a week at most.

Another area in which I fooled myself was at Subway. Subway is a fantastic restaurant with a ton of healthy options for people who are trying to eat healthy. But don't get fooled. When I was my biggest (close to 200 lbs.) I used to go there on a regular basis and order a 6-inch roasted chicken sub on whole wheat, with cheese, green peppers, onions, lettuce, pickles, and MAYO. I'd also add on a Diet Coke and TWO M&M cookies. Now, I'm not stupid. I likely knew that the cookies were a bad option. But cookies are one of my ultimate weaknesses and as we all know I gave in to my weaknesses regularly back then! But I thought I was eating healthy because I was choosing whole-wheat bread and chicken. But what about all that cheese and full-fat mayo?! Now, when I order the roasted chicken sub (which is rare), I make sure to ask for no cheese, lots of vegggies, and LIGHT mayo (only one strip!) Most of the time now though, I order a 6-in. turkey sub on whole wheat with no cheese, lettuce, green peppers, onions, a FEW pickles, and honey mustard dressing. For awhile (when I was first adjusting to changing my eating habits), I'd replace the two cookies with Baked Lays chips. Now, I even skip the chips. Most of the time, the sub and a Diet Coke is enough for me. As a treat, I will sometimes still get the Baked Chips and once in a blue moon I will treat myself to a Subway cookie (always making sure to count the points and to give the second cookie away!)

Another common mistake that people losing weight make, is eating too much sugar. I admit, sugar is still a weakness for me. I hear of people who cut sugar entirely (or almost entirely) out of their diet and I have no idea how they do it! But I am able to cut back on sugar. For instance, a bowl of Fruit Loops only has about 100-cal (not bad at all!) but they have a lot more sugar than the cereal I've switched to (Special K Vanilla Almond). Even worse, was those 100-cal bags of chips and mini chocolate bars. When those first came out, I thought my diet woes were solved! I'd stock up on 100-cal Aero and Kit Kat bars (sometimes as many as 4 boxes of them in my fridge at once), low-cal chocolate pudding, 100-cal bags of Bits and Bites, Doritos, etc. I thought that since all of these snacks were only 100 calories, that I could still eat them and lose weight! Well this is true in a sense, the weight didn't come off as easily as I liked. That's because eating all that sugar (and salt) just made me want to eat more (as well all know sugar highs don't last very long!) Now, I realize that snacks that are filled with nutrients and protein are a much better option. I will grab things like low-fat yogurt, almonds, watermelon, or carrot sticks. Of course, I do still induldge in sugary treats now and then. My favourites are: frozen yogurt, various types of cereals, and some low-cal granola bars. I hardly ever buy the 100-cal chocolate bars anymore (although they are excellcent for people who crave chocolate, or for those who are used to eating regular sized chocolate bars and are trying to cut back!) I also don't buy 100-cal chips anymore (I learned that one of those tiny bags were never enough, I'd end up eating 2 or 3 of them anyway!) There are a lot of snacks out there that you can find satisfying and delicious. A great website for healthy snack ideas is www.hungrygirl.com. Good luck!

Finding Motivation

Being motivated is a huge part of weight loss. Of course, it's easy when you first start out on a new plan (and there are a lot of different plans out there!) Becoming motivated was easy for me when I first joined Weight Watchers. I had something new to be excited about and was anxious to see the results. It was fun learning about plan and seeing how I could adapt it to my life. But as the months (and years) went on, just having Weight Watchers wasn't enough motivation for me. By the time you can calculate the points of foods in your head, your motivation can start to slide. So for me, finding new motivations is key in maintaining my weight loss.

Where do I find these motivations?

Finding a plan that you love and that works for you is the first step. Of course for me, the plan was Weight Watchers. What I love about Weight Watchers is that they truly teach you that "everything in moderation" theory. You don't have to "cut" any foods over night (or at all) and you learn to replace your favourite foods with better choices (but just as much satisfaction!) Before you know it, you don't even realize that you aren't eating some of your old fall-backs (for me, chicken fingers, nachos). Weight Watchers is also big on portion control. I had no idea how much I was eating before! I nearly always had seconds at dinner, and now I rarely do. At first, the portions may seem small, but for me, it was very easy to get used to (and if I can cut back my portions, anyone can!) In my opinion, finding a plan is very important. There are some people who can change their eating habits on their own. But having a plan with all the steps laid out for you makes it a lot easier to stick to and motivates you intensely!

While I'm on the topic of Weight Watchers (sorry but it's become such a huge part of my life!) let me say that you can find new motivations within the program. For instance, for the first 10 weeks that you attend meetings, you're given a little booklet with recipe and exercise ideas and other tips and motivators. Weight Watchers also hands out little rewards for reaching mini-goals like 5lb. weight loss, 10% weight loss, etc. Sometimes just sitting and chatting with other people and hearing their ideas and thoughts can be motivating too! And of course, when you step on that scale and see the number go down - well, there's not a lot that's more motivating than that!

That being said, personally I had to find other forums of motivation as well. As I progressed and gradually became more active, challenging my body with physical activity became a huge motivator. I started off with walking. I'd make little goals like "I'm going to walk five days this week" (my walks were about 5km each). Eventually I joined a gym where different fitness classes were offered. I tried a lot of different classes (zumba, spin, yoga, sculpting, step, P90X, kickboxing, etc.) Of course these weren't all for me. I'm not a huge fan of spin class (too boring), or yoga (too spiritual). But I love kickboxing (great for getting out aggression after a hard day at work!) and P90X (which is a series of interval training) toned and changed my body more than any other fitness class ever had! Once I had mastered some of these classes (and admittedly, some of them were starting to get a tad boring) I'd try to change it up again. While I still go to some classes at my gym (still love P90X!), I also decided to try a new sport: soccer. I joined soccer because I knew there was a lot of running involved and running is something I am not good at. I am slowly learning the rules of the game and my running has definitley improved! The best part though, is that I have discovered a new form of exercise that's fun and does not feel like working out! Finally, and most recently, I have taken my workouts up a notch and am doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred videos. They are short, but intense and hardcore! Today will be workout #17 and I am motivated to see if the video's "claims" are true (I measured before starting the "Shred" and will report on the differenecs at Day 30!) All in all, constantly challenging your body and increasing your activity levels can be very motivating. It won't be easy at first. You have to find something that you enjoy, and that you don't dread too much. You have to stick to it, and once you start seeing the results, trust me: your motivation will soar!

Seeing Results!

For me, seeing the changes in my body has been, by far, the biggest motivator. I will admit that this came slowly. I did months of days at the gym and working out before I really started to see significant changes. Of course, I was seeing the numbers on the scale going down and I was fitting into smaller sized clothing. And I could see changes like my body was overall smaller. But for me, it really did take quite a while to see true, physical results. I guess the reason I say this is that because recently, I am starting to see huge changes in my body. Not only am I thin now (wow!), but I am seeing clear muscle definition in my arms, legs, and abs. One day, my boyfriend Brad even said to me "You know, I am starting to see the beginning of your six-pack". I was like WHAT?! I have a six-pack?! But he is right. Muslce definition is so exciting and so motivating! Become strong is now just as important for me as becoming thin. Plus, msucle gives your body shape and curve (in a good way!) I am now motivated to shed body fat and gain lean, strong muscle. Don't worry, I have no intention of becoming a "body builder" (personally, I don't find those types of bodies attractive on men or women). But I am less focussed on the number on the scale, and more focussed on making my body lean, strong, fit and healthy which should be any person's ultimate body weight goal! Yes, it may take a while (you can't see the muscle when all that fat is laying on top of it!) but eventually seeing your body getting stronger and leaner will be the ultimate motivation!

More Motivations

Of course, seeing the results takes a while, and you will need motivation along the way. What motivated me, may not motivate you but it might help you think of things in a new way, and help you to find that motivation you are looking for. Another warning, some of my motivations may make absolutely no sense - but whatever works, works! Here we go:

1. Websites: there are a million websites out there that can get you feeling motivated. Here are some that I have checked out (in order from favourite to least fave)
--- www.weightwatchers.ca
--- www. weightwatchers. com
--- www.hungrygirl.com
--- www.rachaelray.com
--- www.sparkpeople.com
--- Jillian Michaels (not sure the address, just google it!)

All of these websites feature message boards, recipes, food ideas, exercise information, etc. Sometimes something as simple as discovering a new website was very motivational for me!

2. Recipes: Finding new healthy, low-cal recipes can be very motivating! Again, I usually go to the interet although I have purchased a few good cook books too. Here are some more good websites:

--- www.weightwatchers.com or www.weightwatchers.ca
--- www.hungrygirl.com
--- www. rachaelray.com
--- Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada (google it!)
--- or just google "healthy", "low-cal" recipes
--- ask friends to share healthy recipes with you!

3. TV shows: Here are some of the tv shows that have in one weird way or another have motivated me:

--- The Last 10 Pounds (Slice)
--- Bulging Brides (Slice)
--- The Biggest Loser (NBC)
--- Oprah
--- So You Think You Can Dance

4. Pictures: Looking at either old "fat" pictures, or new and "improved" pictures of yourself can, for obvious reasons, be extremely motivating!


I know some of these motivations probably don't make sense to some of you. In fact, they don't necessarily make sense to me! The point is wherever you can find motivation, use it! Use whatever works for you. Weight loss is a long process (depending how far you have to go). It won't happen over night and it truly is about changing your lifestyle which takes a while to develop. Finding new things along the way to bring back that old feeling about excitement is not only motivating, it makes the journey alot more fun!

My tips for what to do on those days when you just want to EAT....

We all have those days when we just want to devour everything in sight (today happens to be one of them for me!) These days are particularly hard to stay on track. Here are some ideas I have found that have worked for me for preventing myself from nibbling and/or mindlessly eating.

1. Brush your teeth -- you won't want to ruin your fresh breath

2. Chew on a piece of gum -- I use this one often in the staff room at work, at parties, or anywhere where someone has set out food that is very tempting but that I'm committed to not eating. It keeps your mouth busy and it's hard to eat when you've already got gum in there!

3. Find something to do - I eat when I am bored so if I keep busy (typing on the computer for example) I am not thinking about eating as much. That is one of the reasons, I am almost always on my computer while I watch tv!

4. A friend of mine puts Crest White Strips on her mouth while she is preparing a meal so she doesn't pick at the food while she's getting it ready -- prevents over-eating and whitens your teeth at the same time!

5. Drink a lot of water - this one doesn't always work for me, but sometimes it can. Water can make your stomach feel really full, although it doesn't provide the satisfaction that food does.

6. If possible, leave the room! When there are goodies out in the staff room, I usually go back to my class to get work done. Out of sight, out of mind!

7. If the goodies belong to you, put them away! Again, out of sight, out of mind (hopefully!)

8. Go to bed - I have a bad habit of snacking late at night so when I feel that urge I just go to bed!

And with that.... Good night!!

Please... give me toast NOW!!!

Oh no! It's one of those days where all I want to do is EAT! I am already well over my daily Points allowance and I still want more! Help! I chalk these days up to hormones as they usually happen once a month or so. To make matters worse, the nemesis I have been warding off for the last hour or two, is toast with peanut butter and jam, and my Dad just strolled into the living room with two very-delicious-smelling slices of toast slathered in glittering butter. Oh how I want that toast! That would add a devestating 6 or so points (300 or more calories) today though, and I can't go that far in my Flex points this early in the week. I am planning carefully this week as I have two events coming up this weekend where lots of goodies will be served!

For those of you who have been asking "how I did it", planning is a huge part of my weight loss. I plan what I am going to eat at least a day ahead and generally stick pretty close to it. For example, knowing what I am going to have for dinner, will help me make better choices for lunch, breakfast, snacks, etc. As I mentionned above, I am going to two events this weekend. Because I know I will be indulging at these events, I am trying to be extra careful throughout the week. This will allow me to have some treats this weekend, wtihout feeling too guilty or gaining any weight! Planning has helped me make better food choices overall which has been essential to my weight loss. Sometimes I even plan what I am going to eat for the entire week (although usually my mood changes so I don't usually go this route). Planning helps you to avoid that feeling of "I don't know what to cook for dinner" which usually leads to grabbing the easiset and most convenient (and fatty!) food in the fridge. Or worse, it leads to eating out somewhere easy and convenient which usually means fast-food! That being said, we all have those days where what we have planned to eat, just doesn't sound appealing any longer and we go a little off track. The important part to remember is that going off track, doesn't mean completely falling off the wagon. It means enjoying a few little treats, not feeling guilty, and then getting right back on plan. This hasn't happened easily for me. I am still, to a certain degree, a victim of the all-or-nothing mentality, where if I have a few treats I tend to think "What the hell" and go way overboard. I also tend to consume myself with guilt over what I have eaten, although I am getting significantly better at that. What I am learning most of all, is that eating is all about a balance. I know those of you struggling with your weight will likely shudder when I say "everything in moderation", but to a certain degree, it's true. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm totally the type of person who can not have just one cookie, or a handful of chips. But when it comes to a delicious dinner out, a family BBQ, some ice cream, or other similar treats, I am learning how to enjoy them and incorporate them into my life. None of this would be possible if I did not plan carefully. I am forever thinking about what I have already ate, what I am eating, and what I will eat next. But I hope that someday soon, I will be able to eat "in moderation" without as much thought put into it. Until that day comes, however, I will continue to plan carefully and learn about what my body truly needs to be happy, healthy, and fit. Iam sure toast with peanut butter and jam fits in there somewhere!

My Biggest Fear: Gaining it All Back

While approaching your goal is terribly thrilling and exciting, it can also be petrifying. Before, I never believed that I could be small. I was convinced that I was a "big" girl. Big-boned, heavy-set, bigger... whatever you want to call it, I was convinced that that was my body type. I didn't think I'd ever be "skinny". I was destined to be a bit on the chunky side my whole life. I thought that even if I got down to my goal, I wouldn't be able to stay there. I was also worried that I'd be one of those people who felt like I had found "the cure" once I reached my goal weight. These are those people who feel like their weight problem is solved once they are the size they desire to be. Since they feel like they are "done" their diet, they gradually go back to old ways and eventually gain all the weight back - and often times more. I was convinced not to feel like I had been "cured" (although I will admit it's sometimes hard). There's always the fleeting thought "Oh, I can have that now, I'm skinny. One piece of cake won't hurt!" While it's true that once piece of cake won't hurt, it's not true that I have found the cure. My weight will always be an issue for me. I know that if I go back to any of my old habits, the weight will creep back on. I will always be one of those people who has to be very conscious of my eating habits and activity levels, and I'm now okay with that. I haven't always been okay with it though. The thought that this struggle would never truly be over, was often times extremely frustrating and discouraging for me. Fortunatley, over time, I have been able to accept it. Also, seeing the results of my new healthy, fit body is also very motivating. In fact, it's probably what motivates me most now, which will help me as I learn to maintain my healthy body weight/lifestyle.

Becoming a WW Lifetime Member and Leader!

So, good news! One day after I sent out my application card to be a Weight Watchers leader, the area manager called me for an "interview" (or which she oh-so-friendly referred to as a "chat about your weight loss). It was actually pretty ironic to talk to her because a lot of her questions were about things I had already written about on my blog! Anyway, the long story made short, is that the "interview" went well and she is going to send me the official application. Once I've filled that out, they will see about finding me a spot to be a leader at a WW meeting in Timmins! (not Fort Mac, sorry Karen!)

As some of you may not know, this is all possible because three weeks ago, on May 26, 2010, I recieved my Lifetime Membership with WW! Lifetime Membership is, of course, the ultimate goal with the program. It means, that you've met your goal weight (within a healthy range) and have maintained it for at least 6 weeks. Lifetime Membership also means you no longer have to pay to attend meetings (a super great bonus for me!) Over the last six years, and during all my time coming and going to WW meetings, reaching Lifetime Membership seemed so unattainable to me! Not to say, that I wasn't motivated. I've certainly had my highs of motivation and inspiration. But I've also had many times when I've fallen off track, have felt discouraged, or have just given up altogether. Over the last six years, my weight has gone up and down. However, something changed this time. I re-joined WW last April (2009) after about a year hiatus. At that time, I was around 163 lbs. I still can't really put my finger on it, but something this time has just kept me motivated! (See a future post about some of the different things that have kept me motivated). Maybe it's because I could see myself heading steadily toward my goal. Whatever it was, for the most part, I have stayed on program for over a year now which ultimately, allowed me to reach (and surpass!) my goal weight of 140 lbs.

The best part about losing the weight is looking in the mirror and genuinely love what I see! I am so proud of my healthy, toned, fit body! It's amazing what weight loss can do to your confidence. I suddenly like my hair, my skin, and especially the way my clothes fit! I will admit (albeit sheepishly) that I often pose in different angles in front of the mirror admiring my new body! And usually this expereince comes with feelings of total excitement and happiness! Now, when I look in the mirror I have a big smile on my face! I've even fist-pumped and thought to myself "Yes, I did it!" It truly is an amazing experience!

Now I hope to pass some of my success on to others. That's partly why I decided to become a Weight Watchers leader. It's also why I am writing this blog. I hope to share some of my advice, tips, ideas, etc. with those of you who are reading (thanks again!!!) I am by no means an expert but if there is anything I can do or say to help somebody feel the way I feel about myself now, it's definitley worth a try! So keep tuning in. I hope to hit on some of those topics soon!

Shout Out to my Peeps!

This is just a quick note to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone whose taken a few minutes to read my blog! I really, really appreciate your comments and encouragement, so thanks again!! Special shout out to my friend Karen who helped me come up with the perfect title for my blog! And big thanks to Tanna, Lainey and Mom for making comments. Another thanks to all those who have written me personal messages on Facebook, sharing their own stories and celebrating mine! You guys are the best!

To Karen, I am glad you like the font better, I do too! Thanks for the suggestion!

BEFORE and AFTER pics are coming soon! Haha, Tanna, I am sure you have a TON of "before" pics that I'd never like to see resurface again! I've got some myelf that are actually ready to go, I'm just waiting to get a new "after" picture. I haven't had a head-to-toe photo taken of me since about Christmas and I've lost more weight and toned up more since then so I want a new one for the FULL EFFECT! Next weekend, I have an event to go to though so the pics should be up by then!

Once again, thanks everybody! Your involvement in my story mean more than you will ever know :-)
xoxo

The Ups and Downs: Yo-Yo Dieting

I first joined Weight Watchers around 2004. At the time I weighed 173 lbs. since I had lost a bit on my own after university. But, by the time I left for teacher's college in the fall of 2005, I was down to about 155 lbs. and felt fantastic! Teacher's college was a great year and I continued to attend WW meetings in North Bay. Those meetings were some of the best meetings I have ever attended. The leaders were motivating and creative with their "gigs" to get us inspired. They'd share low-points food, grocery ideas they'd found locally, or WW-friendly recipes. But one of the things I liked best at these meetings was that they made sure to have "non-scale celebrations" every week. As those of us who have struggled to lose (or gain) weight know, the scale can be an obsession. We put so much emphasis and importance on that little (or big!) number on the scale. That number can lead to feelings of euphoria or feelings of desperation(see more about my relationship with the scale in a future post). What I am trying to say, is that I loved the non-scale celebrations. Members would mention things like: fitting into smaller-sized clothing, increasing their level of exercise, tracking all week, etc. For me, a big non-scale celebration was finally being able to see pictures of myself that I actually liked. That hadn't happened for a long time. Still to this day, it is hard for me to look at pictures of my over-weight self. For a long time, I kept them hidden and felt like I didn't need to bring them out again. Just recently however, I decided to pull them out to see how far I'd come. I really couldn't believe it! Pictures tell the truth - but this time the truth didn't hurt so much. In fact, it just reinforced how much all of my hard work has paid off.

I found staying at the WW meetings was the most helpful. Just having a chat about the issue with others in the same boat, re-motivated me for the week. Of course, the weeks when I lost weight, were the most exciting. WW gives out a lot of incentives too, ribbons and key chains for milestones like 10% of body weight loss, and 5 lb.-loss increments. As cheesy as this may sound, it's very rewarding to receive one of these tiny gifts, and you feel very proud when you do!

Unfortunately attending meetings was not always easy for me. There were times when I lived in communitities that didn't have meetings. There were other times when I just plain didn't want to go. There were times when I thought I had "mastered" the plan and could do it on my own (boy, was I wrong). Then there was my attempt to do WW Online but the lack of accountability just didn't work out for me.

What I know now is that meetings keep me accountable. WW is wear I learned almost everything I know about eating healthy, exercising, making better choices, reaching my goals, and ultimately living a healthier and happier lifestyle. Yes, when I attend the meetings now some of the information may be old news to me, but I know that it's because of WW that I am where I am today. That's why I have recently made the decision to become a WW Leader. I sent in my application card just yesterday! Soon I will receive more information and perhaps one day in the near future, I will be leading my own meetings and motivating others and helping them achieve their goals! I will keep you all posted!

Weight Watchers

First of all, let me say for those of you who have been reading so far, thank you soo much for your kind words and encouragement! I'm really glad to know someone is actually reading this - it motivates me!

So, most of what I have written so far has been about my experienecs gaining weight and being an over-weight person. There is so much more I could write about (and might some day), but for now I feel the need to change it up a little. I want to write about how I lost the weight, and what I am doing to make it a permanent change in my life.

For many years, when I was heavy, I knew I was heavy and I wanted to do something about it, I just had no idea how. I'd try over and over again and never have any success. I'd fail in some way or another and tell myself I'd start again tomorrow. I was always going to start tomorrow. Or Monday, or next week. It never happened when I'd try to go at it alone. I had no idea what I needed to do, or how to go about doing it.

That's when I discovered Weight Watchers. A friend of mine was going to meetings at the time and I decided to try it too. Since then, I have gone to so many Weight Watchers meetings, I can barely remember the first one. What I do remember, is that it worked for me.

Weight Watchers is not a strict diet that is unmanangeable and hard to follow. For those of you who don't know, WW is based on a points system. Each food has a point (calculated based on calories, fat, and fibre) and each person has a set number of points they should aim to eat each day (based on height, weight, and level of activity). It also allows for an additional 35 "Flex" points each week. What I liked about WW, was that I could still eat some of my old, "bad" foods as long as I counted the points. Or I could find the low-cal version of my favourite foods and eat them instead. The best part of it was that WW is a gradual plan that helped me to make small changes in my life. It taught me about what foods were better choices and gradually I started to make those better choices more often.

That's not to say that it was always easy. I had a lot of difficulties accepting some of the "ideas" behind the WW system. I was annoyed that I'd likely have to cut out favourite foods like chicken fingers forever. I didn't understand that one day I'd be able to eat these foods again - just once in awhile, instead of regularly! I questionned a lot of the things that were taught to me at WW and didn't always agree with some of their opinions. At times, I fell off the program. I got sick of counting points and would stop tracking (writing down everything I ate). I would feel bitter that others could eat whatever they wanted, and I couldn't. From about 2005 onwards, I went on and off Weight Watchers many times.

One of my biggest struggles with WW, was my "all or nothing attitude". I'll admit, I am a bit of perfectionist and definitley a control freak. I had the mentality that I had to follow the program 100% and if I fell off the least bit, I'd give up. After all, at my meetings they taught us "If you kind of do it, it kind of works. If you really do it, it really works." Every time I failed, my feelings of bitterness and resentment would return. It was a constant struggle. Eventually I would learn that being a perfectionist at the program was holding me back. Once I learned to let go of that, I was finally able to reach success!

B-Cup and Skinny Jeans!

Writing my last post about dressing rooms, reminded me of my experience last summer when I went shopping for new bras. Most people know that when you gain weight, you also gain a chest. That was certainly the deal for me. At my biggest (193 lbs), I wore a 38D. Naturally, as I lost weight, I also lost my chest! To some women, this isn't exciting, but for me it most definitley was! I could finally fit into bras that were "pretty" and patterned and cute! I could wear the bras with the skinny straps, as I no longer needed the big, ugly, thick straps to keep my "girls" in place!

When I was in Toronto last summer, I ventured into La Senza to get some new bras. My boyfriend, Brad, had been bugging me for sometime, claiming my bras were too big. "You're definitley a B-cup," he'd tell me. But being as stubborn as I am, I'd argue with him. After all, I'd never worn a B-cup in my life! I don't even remember wearing one when I was first growing a chest! It seemed I had worn a D-cup forever. Sure enough, that day, when we ventured into La Senza Brad continued to insist that I try on B-cup bras. So I did. And I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT! A bra had never fit better in my life!!! To me, this was incredibly exciting! I loved the way my boobs fit into my new "pretty" bras! Brad teased me and started calling me B-cup but I'd just laugh. That day, I bought bras in 36B. Since then (and since losing inches thanks to vigorous workouts), I've had to go back and buy new ones in a 34B. I remember when I worked at The Bay being VERY aware that the larger women wore D-cups and that the small, "cute" girls wore B-cups. Maybe that is why I am so proud of my new nickname: "B-cup"!

Like bras (and bathing suits), jeans can be very difficult for women to buy. I have had many horrible experiences buying jeans (and all sorts of pants). Trying on jeans would just make me feel depressed and disgusted with myself. Then, skinny jeans came into style. I'd see all kinds of "skinny" girls with their "skinny" jeans and cute flats and I'd admire the way they looked. But I knew I could never wear those kind of jeans. Stacey and Clinton (from TLC's What Not To Wear, incase you didn't know!) had informed me of that. "Big" girls can't wear skinny jeans. So, therefore, the day I bought my first pair of skinny jeans was another significant experience for me. I bought them at Eclipse with my friend Glenna and I was ecstatic when they fit! Soon after, I bought another pair AND a pair of knee-high boots to wear over them! I still can not describe the exhiliration of being able to wear what I want and to be able to wear all the current styles. It makes all the hard work of losing weight so rewarding and worthwhile!

The Dressing Room Nightmare

Like most women, I have had my share of devestation in dressing rooms. I vividly recall a time, near the end of university, when I tried on a pair of size 15 pants at my favourite store (Suzi Sheer) and they did not fit. I couldn't believe it. Fifteen was the biggest size in the store and they did not fit. This is one of the first memories I have of really feeling insecure about my weight. I no longer could shop for the "cute" clothes in all the popular stores that my friends shopped in. It was very frustrating and depressing. I began to feel that I wasn't as adequate as other girls my age.

After this, I resorted to stores like Old Navy and Walmart that sold plus sizes. I remember the pair of jean capris I wore at my university graduation from Carleton were a size 16 from Old Navy. I even remember venturing into Additionelle and other plus-sized stores occasionally. I remember hating the clothes in there, thinking they were "old lady" and way over-priced. Insecurity continued to set in...

Since then, I have had many devestating moments in change rooms. About a year or two ago, I remember shopping for jeans with my current boyfriend, Brad. I must have tried 10-15 pairs and could not find any that fit right. I was convinced that it was due to my weight problem (I had creeped back up to 173 lbs. after losing some between Carleton and meeting Brad). I remember bawling in the car on the way home and feeling very depressed. I was tired of all the frustration of shopping to fit my size and not being able to wear the things I liked. I was sick of "settling" for clothes just because they fit, while girls in fitting rooms next to me had a choice between items because they looked great in everything!

Luckily, now that I have reached (and surpassed) my goal weight, shopping has become a totally new experience! As most people who have lost weight know, shopping for smaller sizes is one of the most exhilirating experiences there is! I recall a time when a size 11 excited me! (Size 13 was the size I hovered around for most of my adult life so far). Then I remember, fitting into a 9 and being able to wear my Mom's old shorts and capris for my trip to Hawaii. A few months ago, I ordered a bridesmaid dress in a size 8 and couldn't believe it. And now, I'm into a size 5/6!!! Honestly, to think of myself as a size 6 is still surreal to me. Even in high school, I think I was about a size 11. Shopping for clothes has become so much fun! It's an amazing feeling to put something on in a dressing room, look into the mirror, and actually LIKE what I see! I am FINALLY one of those girls who has the CHOICE of what she can buy. I don't just have to buy it because it's the only thing that fits :-)

The Funny Friend: Disguising the Pain with Humour

Not too long ago, a major realization came to me. I was the "Funny Friend". Never in my life, I had I realized this before, espeically in them midst of my "entertaining days". What I realized, though, was that some women (and likely men) cover up their insecurities about their weight with humour. As is human nature, we all want people to like us and to want to be around us. But who wants a fat friend? In order to make people like us, we become "funny".

I had no idea it was happening at the time, but this definitley happened to me in university (and now that I think about, even in high school!) My new, university friends thought I was hilarious. I was constantly making jokes (often times cruel and rude). I would jump around, be silly and loud, and entertain whoever was around me. My new friends killed themselves laughing and so did I. We had a great time! They were always talking about something hilarious I had said or done. It felt great! Sure, the other girls were considered, smart, cool, even "hot", but I had "funny" and that meant so much. I just kept on entertaining, having a riot, making more friends than I'd ever had before. It was a blast! Now don't get me wrong. There are a few of those people, who became my lifelong friends and who have loved me for who I am as long as they have known me. Yes, they enjoyed "funny Kelly", and I still enjoying entertaining people with silly antics from time to time, but if I could, I'd take back all the loudness, the ridiculousness, and the crude jokes. I don't believe that was the real me. As I said, although I never realized it at the time, I truly believe now that I had become the "Funny Friend" in hopes that no one would notice that what I really was, was the "Fat Friend."

The Truth Hurts

One moment in particular, that really stands out for me as far as helping me to face my weight gain, was a comment made to me by my grandmother when I was around 21-years-old. I had two male friends home with me for Spring Break and the three of us were visiting my Grandma. At this time, I must have had some insecurities about my weight or her comment wouldn't have hurt so much. I don't remember the conversation or what we were doing at the time, but my Grandma quite bluntly said, "Well, Kelly, I've always been the big one in the family, and now I guess you will be too."

Now, let's give my Grandma the benefit of the doubt. Please don't get the wrong impression. My Grandma loved me very much and spoiled me my entire life. I am sure her comment was said with good intentions. You know how some people have very odd (albeit often times hurtful) ways at trying to hint that you need to lose weight? And you know how elderly people are sometimes so honest that it hurts? Well, the truth hurts. And it did. I remember feeling so angry at my Grandma that day when I left. How dare she say soemthing like that! And in front of two of my friends, too! Neither one of them could believe she had said it either and I know they felt awkward and didn't know what to say. I don't remember if I cried then, but if someone said that to me now, I definitley would. I do, however, remember coming face-to-face with my weight gain, and experiencing my first inkling that maybe I seriously have to do something about this. I was the "big girl". And I was determined not to be.

Not long after that, my grandma sadly and surprisingly passed away. Of course, I had forgiven her almost overnight for her comment. I still do forgive her. There's nothing I wouldn't do to have her back for one more visist. And if she could see me now! I'd be able to prove to her that I will not be the "big girl" in the family. And I make this promise to myself today: I will never be the "big girl" again.

The Beginning: The Freshman 40

I don't remember ever being concerned with my weight in high school. As a teenage girl, I am sure I had insecurities, but if I did, I have no memories of it. My weight gain really started when I went off to university in the fall of 1999. I was 18-years-old and on my own for the very first time! But it wasn't about eating foods that I hadn't been able to eat before. For me, eating became a huge social activity. I remember so many nights heading down to The Oasis which was a fast-food restaurant that was open all night in the basement of our residence. We'd head down, late at night, to eat pizza, chicken fingers, and poutine. The cafeteria, where we ate the majority of our meals throughout the week, was no better. Yes, with all due respect, there was a salad bar. But when you're a junk food addict and have no concept of healthy choices, the fries, chicken burgers, ice cream, and chocolate milk win out every time! And let's not forget all the parties. I don't recall a trip to the bar (and there were plenty of them!) without going out to eat afterwards!

My bad eating habits continued when I moved out of residence in moved into an apartment for my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years of university. A little too convenient was the store in our apartment complex, where I would often drop by for Crunchie chocolate bars, or my ultimate weakness: chips. Also a little too convenient was the McDonald's and Tim Hortons that was right at the bus stop where our two buses home from school and work connected. If we had 20 minutes until the next bus came, it was the perfect excuse to run in for a large cappucino or a McDonald's McChicken meal! At home, I didn't know how to cook healthy. I recall eating a lot of chicken nuggets, toast with peanut butter and jam, and of course, nachos. then there was my part-time gig at the St. Laurent Mall. The Bay, where I worked, was again "conveniently" close to the food court, where I'd dash out for lunch. The ironic part to me now was convincing myself that I was "eating healthy" by ordering a roasted chicken sub (with cheese and full-fat mayo!), a chocolate milk, and 2 Subway cookies. Oh, the things I have learned since then!


Despite all this incredibly bad eating, I rarely, if ever, exercised. I remember the occasional rollerblade along the canal, and the even more occasional adventure to the gym (where I felt incredibly insecure amongst all the heavyweights, and where I thought 15-minutes on the elliptical was a workout!) But overall, I was completely inactive. Exercise was not a priority in my life. I did not obsess about my weight. Although I don't remember clearly how I felt about myself back then, I must have been insecure. I do remember one time at the gym, when I courageously stepped on the scale. It read 193 lbs. Most people would have been devestated. I supposed I was surprised, and definitley discouraged, but for me it was reality. I told myself I would try to do something about it, but looking back I really had no idea how to do anything about it. Therefore, I forgot about it and don't recall it being as a big of an issue as it has become in my life now. I remember noticing my thin, pretty friends and wishing I could share clothes with them. But overall, I was too busy socializing, having the time of my life, and making lifelong friends to care.

That my friends, is how I gained 40 lbs in four years. I went from approximately 150 lbs. at high school graduation, to 193 lbs by university graduation. My weight loss story had begun.

Why Write?

I have been thinking about writing a weight loss blog for awhile, there's only one problem: Whenever I'm away from the computer, I can think of a ton of things I want to say. But whenever, I actually sit down to write it, my mind goes blank. I suppose this is the curse of most writers. I do consider myself a writer, and this blog is partly a means of getting back into writing, and partly a way for me to tell my story. For those who don't know, I haven't always been the size I am now. In 2003, when I graduated from Carleton University, I had reached an astounding 193 lbs. I now weight 137 lbs (and PROUD of it!). This blog is a way for me to put my weight loss story - every thought, obsession, idea, tip, etc. - into words. It helps me to wrap my head around the unbelievable journey I've been and to understand where I came from and who I am today.

I say obsession because that's what I feel my weight has become. My body image is the most important thing in my life besides my family and friends. Some may see this as an unhealthy obsession but I have come to accept it (and not easily so). For many days and nights, I'd have the constant battle in my head between "being careful" and "becoming obsessed". So many people who have battled their weight have faced this conflict. I have come to realize there's not really a happy medium - you either accept your new obsession or you don't. The reason I have learned to accept it is simple: I am now healthier, stronger, happier, and more confident than I have ever been in my life. Perhaps to some it's sad that my body image has such a huge impact on my life, but for me, there's no beating around the bush. It does and that's okay... in fact, lately I'm finding it rather kind of fabulous!